How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 30: Got To Catch 'Em All

Chapter 30: Got To Catch 'Em All

The bunnicorn sat there, twitching slightly. The grass had wilted and withered, slimy with the wet sludge oozing from the bottom of the giant pile of shit pile. I thought it might feel exposed out in the open with five strangers standing around. But then, the rabbits back in the meadow never gave a damn about us and, as it turned out, neither did this one. Updated from

It shook its head, pawed at the ground and then lowered its head, aiming the horn at me. It charged.

With all the available targets, why it should decide I deserved to have my ankles gored, I dont know. I guess Im just lucky.

I took a few stumbling steps backwards as it came at me, then turned and ran.

Hey, do something! I called out to the others. They decided to offer me the absolute worst form of help: encouragement.

Run!

Dodge left.

Dont let it touch you, its covered in shit.

The rabbits back in the meadow had been slow and listless. This thing was hyper. I headed for the taller grass, hoping I might lose it if it couldnt see clearly, but I could hear the bastards little feet right behind me. I swerved, I double-backed, I tried to lead it towards the others so it might switch targets, but it honed in on me and only me.

Without realising it, I ran into the shitty area where the ground was wet and slippery. My feet went out from under me and I ended up flat on my back. I tilted my head hoping Id managed to get away, only to see the vicious furball charging right at me. I rolled to the left, coating myself in ogre faeces, and the bunnicorn slid past. Fortunately, it was no better at keeping its footing on the slick surface than I was.

I had my own theory. The sight of those rabbits willingly jumping down that ogres throat back in the meadow reminded me of something I learned in biology class. Fruit is delicious because the plant wants them to be eaten. Once it passes through an animals system, the seed gets shat out in its very own package of ready-to-grow fertiliser. The circle of life, brilliant and disgusting.

The rabbits appeared to be the same. Being eaten and then encased in shit was part of their life cycle. It also seemed to evolve them, like some horrific version of pokemon. Pikadudu transformed into Jigglyturd. I could see why the people in Probet had reacted the way they did whenever we asked them about eating the rabbits.

I think their horns might be worth collecting. I put the horn I was holding in the sack on Dudleys back. We should hunt them.

They look a bit dangerous, said Claire.

Yeah, we have to be careful. But as long as theyre distracted by all this fighting amongst themselves, we should be able to pick a few off.

I walked up behind a bunnicorn focused on of its fellows. As it prepared to charge, I brought my stick down hard, burying a nail into the top of its head, killing it instantly. Easy.

All the other bunnicorns stopped what they were doing to look at me. It was not a friendly look. They began herding together.

I took a few steps backwards.

The herd charged.

Stampede! I turned and ran.